Halloween is in a week, and I’m trying to find a way to scare my roommate and best friend, Jimothy. The thing is, he is absolutely unscareable. Trust me, I’ve tried; jumping out from behind a corner, sneaking up behind him, watching scary movies, even showing him the tried and true red dot maze video from the 2000’s! He just doesn’t flinch. Please help me Emmanem, I need this accomplishment in order to feel like I’ve achieved even one iota of success in my life.
—-from SCARE SHITLESS
Dear SCARE SHITLESS,
This seems like a pretty difficult situation, so I need you to listen closely to what I’m about to tell you. I’ve come across this kind of person before: cold, unfeeling, apathetic. In order to truly, truly scare him, you need to make him believe that he is going to die. You can do this several ways, but the most efficient and convenient method for you is to be the murderer yourself.
I suggest this: Over the course of these next seven days, start acting a little off. If he asks you something or talks to you, just silently stare at him for a few seconds, and then respond as if everything is normal. He’ll probably question your behavior sooner or later, but again, respond as if you haven’t been acting weird at all. Later in the week, start leaving random and possibly disturbing drawings on your desk. Lead him to believe that there’s something wrong with you, and that you’re mentally deteriorating into an isolated, silent, and sullen human being.
Then, on Halloween night, after all the partying and the food, wait until you two are in your beds and asleep. Grab a sharp knife you previously obtained and head over to the foot of his bed, and wake him up by dragging the tip of the blade up his leg; light enough to avoid hitting bone, but firm enough to draw blood. Wait until his eyes are half open, when he’s still registering his environment, and then raise the knife above his chest, making sure he sees the blade. I guarantee you, he will be terrified.
Good luck, and have a happy Halloween!