Why English Class Should Be Replaced With Alchemy Class

Alchemy is the most relevant form of contemporary science by a fairly significant margin. How do we know this? Because years of public school education have taught us that the only relevant skills are the ones that will eventually help you make money. And as it turns out, alchemy can be used to score massive profits. For example, I have a cousin who makes several million dollars a year by extracting the lead from old paint chips and transmuting it to gold. Normally making Gold from Lead requires a particle accelerator, or at the very least a nuclear reactor, but with the process of chrysopoeia (a common application of alchemy), the process can be greatly simplified. The other sciences hardly even put up a fight. Physics? Please, how can you expect to find any money at all when you can’t even find the graviton after searching for literally decades? Biology? It’s irrelevant to study living things when most things that were once alive are now dead. Oh, and Chemistry? Literally just alchemy without any of the fun spells. Hydrochloric acid was even discovered by an alchemist. Go figure.

So we’ve established that alchemy should be a graduation requirement for all UMBC undergrads. But now we are left with a conundrum–which other class should be eliminated to make room for the alchemy requirement? My vote goes to English class, and the reasons are simple. You see, alchemy follows a simple, four-character alphabet, i.e., Earth, Air, Water, and Fire. English on the other hand, has twenty-six of the motherfuckers to keep track of. Who has time for that? Also, English doesn’t make any sense. You pick up a dictionary to find out what a word means, only to discover that every English word is only defined in terms of other English words. Who designed this shit? Actually, written language as a whole is pretty overrated. Trust me, if I could do this article in the form of an alchemic transmutation, I would.

-Keith Mias

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