For years now, UMBC students have come to expect certain fixtures of Homecoming Week every October. Free giveaways, community-driven arson, another goddamn talent show, awkward invitations to high school dances from guys named Chad.
But perhaps the most anticipated moment of every Homecoming is the comedy show. Since this author’s tenure at UMBC, he’s had the luxury of seeing personal mancrush Bo Burnham; a tough act to follow, but SEB managed it the next year with a special performance by Comedian. So how did Homecoming 2016 react when passed the torch?
By lifting a hind leg and taking a wicked piss all over it.
No comedian was scheduled this year, probably because the university thought, what with the 50th anniversary and all, they’d already spent, er– done enough for their students. Well, former students. But whatever. They deserve it. They did their time.
This wasn’t the only event of Homecoming Week, however. We did get Homecoming Hype, an only two-hour giveaway slated at a time on Tuesday during which nearly 200% of UMBC students have classes back to back. Word is, though, turnout was great among sad-looking Bookstore employees across Main Street who could look but not touch. When pressed for comment, cashier Brooke Tanner remarked, “I was just glad that I couldn’t hear SEB’s terrible music over the Bookstore’s.”
Then there was the bonfire, which was exactly what you’d expect.
Or there was the talent show, which was exactly what you’d expect. Except worse.
Or there was the Homecoming Retriever Rally, which was little more than an elaborate attempt to pay off the student body with oversized t-shirts, a controversial move as the university is currently under Title 1X investigation.
And to top it all off, there was the Homecoming Carnival, which was straight-up cancelled all on account of some asshole named Matthew who threatened to show up. Instead, the decision was made to replace the carnival with “indoor activities”, which, as Information Systems major Kenneth Brown explains, “is every weekend at UMBC.”
Which leads us to the comedy show. In the past, UMBC has managed to trick many respected comedians into performing on this campus. Before Comedian and Bo Burnham there was Nick Offerman, B.J. Novak, Donald Glover, Lewis Black, Demetri Martin, Stephen Lynch, and Jim Gaffigan. Beyond 2007 the trail goes a bit fuzzy, nothing but dead links and broken promises. Our investigative team initially concluded that UMBC has only just recently discovered the internet, which would explain why we still have a campus newspaper. However, when you consider that 2006 was ten years ago…
…it seems likely that the 40th anniversary replaced a comedian that year, too. Go figure.
Otto Fellatio would have liked to end this article with a punchline, but is currently too distracted with “indoor activities”.